Back when I made my 30 things to do before 30, I had a big line item on there to figure out what or how I felt about kids. You know, those people that happen when a boy loves a girl, and they have unprotected sex? Yeah, that.
And then… nothing. I never mentioned it again. It’s like a blimp on the internet that never happened.
The main reason why is that I just don’t know. I didn’t know then and I don’t know now. Around election time I told my husband that he should prepare for the idea that we won’t have any children, outside of fostering.
Six months later, he asked me to reconsider. I did and when we talked more about it, we came to a big, fat nothing.
That’s where we stand right now, I don’t know. And he doesn’t know. And together, we don’t know.
It is a scary place to stand, in the unknown. I think we all have faced decisions and envied those who knew, one way or the other. I certainly envy those for whom clarity is so present.
When I started writing this post, I thought it would be part of a discourse on why or why not I am unsure of children. Perhaps even a discourse on the social pressure to have children. But when I started, I realized that wasn’t important. It doesn’t matter what the pressure is or my pro/con list on reproducing, what matters is that I don’t know.
I am allowed to gaze at the road and not know which way to go, to stand in the stillness of the moment. This is where I am right now, savoring every moment of being the two of us, with two dogs as our companions. Maybe someday that will change, maybe it won’t. But right now, I just stand, blessed in my state of indecision.