I began writing this post last semester, but it was too hard and personal at the time.
Last semester, I flunked a test, actually two, then a third. I got a 70% and then a 57% and then, well, you get the idea. Three out of five tests down, and I was failing the class.
I had never done that before, and I certainly had never done it before when I had prepared and felt like I really grasped the material. The experience was awful, heart wrenching, and made me feel like I was an utter failure. I cried, I got angry, I got depressed. There were a couple of really down weeks where I altered between being angry and utterly feeling like a failure. I felt like I was drowning in a crowd in a place I shouldn’t be.
To top it off, I felt like a terrible wife. Being married while taking this journey is such a blessing, but it makes every failure feel more intense because you also feel like you failed your spouse. When you face a failure, you see all the sacrifices your spouse is making to put you in this position to change your life. And you go and blow it by making a mistake after mistake. You convince yourself that you aren’t doing your part. So, how do you deal with this feeling?
I’m not entirely sure yet, but I know the core of it has to come from finding grace in yourself. You have to remember that unless you likely have other issues in your marriage, your spouse is not holding your failures against you. You are partners and they want you to be happy, even if it means sacrifice on their part. But you cannot find grace just from your spouse. You have to let yourself live in their grace and embrace grace towards yourself. You will fail and you will succeed. That’s why adult life sucks, but you have to know in the end, you will succeed more than you fail.
I still have a long way to go in this journey and every new step feels terrifying. I am not use to feeling stupid nor old nor lost. But I do. Probably 60% of the time. It’s hard to find solid ground when you’re drowning, but you have to find something solid. For me, I had ground ourselves in my faith and my marriages= because that is what is everlasting and secure in my life. Life won’t always be this way; eventually, we will come out of these life changes stronger (don’t tell me different if it isn’t true because this hope is what I have got going on right now). But when you’re in that storm, let yourself be comforted by those solid things in your life because, in the end, that’s probably among your greatest gifts.